Have you ever been in a situation where a person whom you thought
to be a jerk actually turned out to be a genius and whom you thought smart was
actually nothing but a talking wizard? The situation can go far more like: kind
turns into heartless, stoneheart was actually the kindest one, negative minded
was the most motivating, caring one turned out to be abusive, and so on. We all
have experienced such a feeling where our judgements(some have categories) about
people are wrong. People who are ‘interested in others more than themselves’ or
who believe in ‘first sight love’ are more likely to have such problem. And I
bet once in a lifetime you’ve hated yourself only because your expectation over
another person was faulty.
So why this happens? Why can’t we get the other person right?
The answer is as follows. (You might not have expected some of them.)
#1.Complex Human Nature
Obviously, human being is the most complex organism both physically
and mentally. What we have inside our cranium is the most complex thing human
has ever known. Thinking pattern varies from person to person. Our behaviour is
affected by circumstances and thoughts and decisions are made under personal
emotions. Thus, when we are dealing with a person, we are dealing with a
complicated combination of personality, thinking patterns, emotions, feelings,
unique belief system and intention of that person. It simply makes a person
difficult to understand.
#2.We Live In Our Own Reality
Joseph grew up in an orphanage and joined army after graduation.
Tom grew up with his parents and is CEO of his father’s company. If these two
characters meet each other, they would see each other with their own realities.
It doesn’t mean that Joseph would think Tom an orphan or Tom would see Joseph
as CEO of another company. It means even if they become close friends (which is
unlikely), they won’t get each other right because they hold entirely different
view towards the same world.
Same thing applies to us as we are conditioned differently and our
stories are different. We see people based on our own realities. Getting each
other right becomes hard and judging becomes complete nonsense.
#3. We Project Our Own Characteristics
Do you expect others to treat you with value? Do you want others to
acknowledge your goodwill and see you with respect? If yes, it doesn’t
necessarily mean that you are selfish, it also means that you treat others with
value, acknowledge other’s goodwill and see others with respect. What I mean
here is that if you are a good person, you expect others to be good. We expect
others to behave the same way we behave towards them.
A good person expects good from others and an evil or unreliable
person would never trust anyone no matter what s/he shows from outside. The
colour of world becomes the colour of glasses we are wearing, making us hard to
distinguish the true colour of a person.
#4.Actual Versus Ideal
Have you ever noticed a friend(or someone you know), who try to act
energetic and confident in front of new people but actually a shy and pathetic
in reality? It is due to the fact that we want to show the ideal part of our
personality when we introduce to new people. There is always a contradiction
going inside our mind – who we want to become and what we actually are. Because
of this people tend to cover their actual self with ideal one. It might take a
long time to discover that the person is not what we believed.
#5.Change In Mindset And Mood
This is the most common reason why we get confused about a
particular person. For instance, Sam hangs out with his friends every evening.
He spends time, money and does fun stuffs. Few days before he met his cousin
who was outstanding in studies and everyone praised him. Now suddenly he
separates himself with his best of friends and stays at home studying. Surely
his friends will go nuts thinking about his behavior and attitude towards them.
Moods and mindsets create confusing behavior. It is even more
effective when dealing with moody people. Their random swings in moods put us
into great confusion(usually in anger) about them.
#6.Halo Effect
Halo effect is a type of cognitive bias. It is the tendency for an
impression created in one area to influence opinion in another area. For
example, a well dressed and groomed man is always seen as rational and
confident, a beautiful lady is always seen as kind and polite, a tattooed youth
with dreadlock seems to be an addict. Although our conscience know that they
might not be true, our mind makes its own evaluation. This usually happens when
we see a person for the first time. It surprises us when we find the person
completely different than what we’ve thought.
Those are the general reasons why we cannot truly understand the
other person. It takes really long time to know the inner core of a person.
Futhermore, multifaceted nature of people makes it even more difficult to
recognize their true colour. Some are really good at lying and showing fake
self. This is the reason why many friendship end in hatred and true love end in
chaotic mess.
However, looking at the bright side, difficulty in getting the
other person right initially also turns dislike into like and hatred into love
later. It is true that we can understand other people better if we try to know
our true self first. When we learn to see circumstances standing on other’s
shoes (being in their place), we are really in the course of knowing them.
Note: Here is a post related to spiritual and physical world. You can check it out if you want to know which makes more sense - spiritual life or physical one.
